Butt Pluggin’ Fun

I actually have no objection to butt plugs, per se.  In fact, I have shopped for butt plugs myself, although I think shopping for them and purchasing them are two entirely different kettles of fish.  I even found a favorite, to wit:

http://www.extremerestraints.com/butt-plugs_1/extreme-anal-jewelry_257.html

Emerald, if I ever go there.  In case you were wondering.

But I digress.

My point is, I’m not opposed to butt plugs.  I think they’re kinda cool and if you’re going to be having anal sex regularly, I think they’re a useful tool in not being in agonizing pain during the sex.

I’m not so sure I’m down with how this particular caller uses them.  Again, more power to him and all…just not my thing.

“I love my butt plug.  I love the way my girlfriend forces it into me and makes me wear it out shopping.”

Exhibitionism, sort of.  I’m down with it.  I’m actively planning a wilderness fuck for the boyfriend once the weather warms up.

“I love the way she makes me wear her panties over it, french cut, always the french cut.”

Ok.  I’m still down with it.

“I love the way she pulls it out of my ass when we get home and makes me lick it clean for her.”

*shudder*  I prefer NOT to have an anal-oral relationship with my own poop.  That’s just me.

“Sometimes, she’ll do the whole thing on webcam and let her girlfriends in Chicago watch me lick it clean and beg for more.”

Actually, more power to her.  I hear the webcam girls make in the neighborhood of 400/day, easily, which is good money for a few hours’ work.  If it were me, I’d skip my girlfriends and start charging for that service. I suggest to him the possibility of going global.

“You mean….strangers watching me lick my butt plug clean?”

Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.  Why is this an issue?  I mean, I’d rather have strangers watch me than people I have to socialize with.  If I had to choose.  Which, thankfully, I don’t.  Because that’s not my life.

“I couldn’t let strangers watch me.  It’s easier with family and friends.  It’s cozier that way.”

I couldn’t disagree more, of course, but then again, his butt, his call.

🙂

Working Hard

This is the most amazing thing.

I get this call from this guy who told me that his boss stocks the break room with porno magazines and lets them call these sex lines on their breaks, with company money, “That’s where we get your numbers, right?  From the magazines?”

Yes.  Ok.  Weird but strangely awesome work environment.

“But today, after we called, while I was waiting for you to come on the line, he tells me that he wants to fuck my wife.”

Um…ok.  I’m not sure if he’s outraged or what.  I say, “Umm….what do you think about that?”  and he says, “I don’t know, I don’t think she’ll go for it.  And does he mean once or twice, or like, all the time?”

I’m thinking, that’s not really the point, but that’s just me.

“Because, you know, I think for all the phone sex he pays for and job security and all of that, it’s worth a couple of fucks, but not more than that.”

I’m pondering, for a minute, his wife.  That is NOT a great marriage, where he’s willing to sell her to his boss in payment for phone sex.

I say, “If he wants more, maybe you should think about looking for another job, you know?”

And he says, I swear to GOD, “I’d rather look for another woman, you know?  I get paid really well here.”

Sign of the times, people.  The economy is so bad that people will give their wives to the boss and find a new girl to keep their job.  Yikes.

Most amazing to me was the epitaph.  He calls me back a few minutes later.  I say, “Hey, we JUST talked.  What’s going on?”

“I figured if he’s going to be fucking my wife, I can call you again.  It’s, like, balance.”

I like big butts…

In real life, I’m not 22 and a dancer.  I don’t weigh 118 pounds.  And I don’t have a tiny little butt.

So I completely enjoyed the man that wanted someone that looked like I REALLY look.  I have a butt.  I won’t deny it.

“I want to kiss it, lick it, worship it,” he moaned.

Wow, really?  I mean, it’s a bit soft…

“Love that soft, round ass.”

Well, ok then.  Go for it.

“I love licking and kissing it, I love pulling your ass cheeks apart and tonguing your tight little asshole.”

Mmmmkay.  But what about you?  Shouldn’t I be doing something for you?  Sucking your cock, perhaps?

“No, I want to spend more time playing with your ass.”

Well, ok.  This is easy.  Wait, need to moan a bit, emphasize how much joy this brings me…there we go.

“I think–I think I’m going to come,” he pants.

Wait, what?  Really?  I mean, we haven’t done ANYTHING for him at all yet.  Really?  He’s going to come?  Dang.

“I’m coming, I’m coming all over that beautiful ass of yours.”

Sure, ok.  More power.

“I want to lick my come off of you, get you all clean.”

Less common, that one, but not unheard of.  Go for it.

“Mmmmm….now your beautiful ass is as clean as it deserves to be.”

Thank you.

“Thank you, that was great.”

Wow, all that and manners, too?  Most men hang up without saying anything.

Awesome call.  Great guy.

🙂

Adventures in Masturbation, Part 4

Here’s the thing: men aren’t attractive naked.

I KNOW, Brad Pitt, etc., etc., and hey, I’m pretty fond of the boyfriend naked, too.  But empirically speaking, a naked man is not as attractive as a naked woman.  How many pictures of naked men vs. naked women do you see online?  Exactly.

So…although I know there are exceptions and people like all kinds of things, by and large, women don’t so much care to watch men, especially by themselves.

Which makes my little friend who makes videos of himself masturbating as gifts for women a little…what’s the word?  Unusual?  Odd?  Deluded?  Lucky to have found a subset of the female population that genuinely wants to watch him beat his meat?

He tells me how his girlfriends have asked him for specific things.

“This one, we’re listening to now,”–oh yes, we listen to the audio of his videos during his calls.  Wheels within wheels and all that sort of thing–“this woman wanted to see my asshole while I masturbated.”

“This other one,  that we’ll listen to next, she wanted to watch me fuck my ass with a vibrator while masturbating.”

I’m pondering the physical logistics of that.  I am.  And I say, “Isn’t that difficult?”

And he responds, “I have a studio, what you want to do is get an adjustable microphone stand and attach the vibrator to that, and then you can ease yourself down onto it, and adjust the height to where you need it to be, and then fuck yourself and have your hands free for your cock.”

OBVIOUSLY.

Children and Sex

NOTE: I have firm, firm, FIRM feelings about sexual abuse and children.  Feelings that involve castration and a new circle in hell just for child molesters.  Feelings so frequently expressed that at one point I expressed an urge to do something bad and one of my friends said, “oooh, I know JUST the felony you’d commit” which ok, is an odd thing to say, but not so much if you knew him.

My point is, me and children…not so much.

So today, when I had a caller who wanted me to be underage, I hoped for the best.

“How old should I be?” I asked, as coyly as I could, “fifteen?”

“No, I like you younger.”

“Younger like thirteen?  Or younger like nine?”

*I had a request that I be 9 once.  It was the youngest I’ve had requested.  I was supposed to struggle and cry.  I’m not ready to write the post on that one yet.*

“If you were nine, I’d wish I’d found you sooner.”

“Oh….ok, so, I’m five?”

Long, drawn out, ecstatic sigh, “YES.  I love fucking five year olds.”

*shudder*

“How would you take me?”  I ask.  This is my job, I remind myself.  Make it work for him.  Hope to hell he restricts himself to these moments of fantasy and NOT to really fucking 5 year olds.

“I’d lie you down, ease your tiny little panties off, rub them against my little dick–that’s why I need to fuck little ones, because my dick is so small, it’s only about an inch long when it’s soft–and then stick it into you as hard as I can and fuck you as hard as I can.”

“Your dick feels so big to me, I’m so little.”

“Say it!  Tell me you’re five!”

So I did.  And suffered through another 6 minutes of him moaning and insisting I remind him how young I was before he came.

I have a 6 year old daughter.  I swear to God, I meet one of those assholes in person, I’ll castrate him myself with the dullest knife available.

Fun with Transsexuals

I recently added a transsexual character to my lineup, and it took me a while to get into character.

I’m not sure why–I like cross dressers, of course.  I like gay sex (seriously, gay porn is SO MUCH better than straight porn, watch some, you’ll see what I mean) so why did I have such trouble with the transsexual bit?

I don’t know.  I kinda wish I did.

But I’m pretty much over that now.  I like that now, when I get a call for my transsexual character, I can enjoy it, talk about stroking my long, hard dick, get demanding to the men, things like that.

I think it’s interesting, though, how many of the men say the same thing about that.  They tell me some story of how they got into transsexuals and how much they want my cock, but most of them then add the statement, “But I’m not gay.”

Where IS this coming from?  Aren’t we beyond that now?  I thought we, as a society, had more or less come to accept the concept of homosexuality.  Granted, there are still pockets of resistance–and I live in the south, where the pockets are probably more abundant than elsewhere–but the debate on gay marriage, to me, speaks to a situation where much of the country has accepted that homosexuals are just like us.

And I get that my job has warped my original view of what “normal” sex looks like, but to me, and I suspect in the gay community as well, being “gay” has less to do with the occasional desire to suck cock and more to do with now you identify.  I can’t imagine the gay community force recruiting people.  (“We hear you sucked cock once in 2008, that’s it, you’re one of us now.  Come quietly.”)

I know this is random and not so much a story about a caller.  But there you go.  I was just pondering transsexuals.

Now, suck my dick.

😛

Glory Be

The title of this post makes me feel guilty; it’s my Catholic roots acting up again.

I’m not actually thinking about the prayer “glory be” as much as I’m thinking about glory holes.

We all know what those are, right?  Glory holes?  Urban dictionary, for anyone that doesn’t:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=glory%20hole

Ok?  Movin’ on.

I have no actual personal experience with glory holes.  Despite my alter ego’s protestations to the contrary, I’m not actually a slut or even in any way promiscuous.  I tend to limit my adventurous side to a single partner at a time.

That having been said, I think this is incredibly hot in a very naughty way.

I love the caller who goes to porn shops for the express purpose of sucking other men through the glory holes.  I imagine the men who utilize the holes are aware that some of the suckers–or most?  I’m not really sure what the gender breakdown is on that–are men, and probably they’re either fine with it or willing to pretend that it’s a hot girl on her knees on the other side of the wall.

He says he’ll stay there for hours, sucking dozens of men, swallowing their come, learning their cocks.

I cannot tell you how much I wish I could get over my instinctive recoil regarding the personal safety and/or cleanliness of the cocks involved enough to be able to try it.  I really do.  I think it’s incredibly sexy and dirty and naughty and all the things I wish I was in my darkest moments.  I love sucking cock, although I love sex more, and tend to end up having more sex than oral sex as a result of that, but still, that’s an incredible thing to me.  No face, no emotional connection, nothing.  Just you and the cock, the sight and the taste and the feel of it.  I think it’s as close to pure sex for it’s own sake as anyone can get.

This is, I know, a bit of a departure from the usual posts, but that’s what I felt like doing today.  I feel a little exposed, but there you go.  Now you know something about me you didn’t before.  🙂

Sex and Death

No, not necrophilia.  Geez.  Although I admit, given what else I’ve written about, it’s not that far from possible.

This is about a man who has unresolved issues with his brother.

Opinion of me, not in any way a trained mental health professional.

However, I don’t think it’s a big stretch, considering that he talks about his brother’s funeral–nearly 11 years ago now–and wants me to describe having sex with him on top of the casket.

So far, so good.

No, really, that’s easy.  Pretend it’s a table, right?  I can fuck on a table.  I, personally, can fuck on a table, not just my alter ego. THAT’S how easy it is.  And I could probably get the extremely vanilla sex loving boyfriend to go with it, too, which says something else about table sex.  But that’s not where it ends, of course.

Because it’s NOT a table.  It’s a coffin.  A coffin containing the body of his dead brother.

No, I don’t know how he died.  I can’t imagine it was a GOOD death, given that the guy is probably mid-30s, now.  His brother was probably in his 20s when he died.  None of which is relevant, of course.

So we’re talking about wardrobe–sure, I always wear short flippy black skirts to funerals, sans underwear–and then we’re on top of the coffin, fucking.

“What would you say to him?” he groans, clearly getting close.

Well, fuck.  I don’t know.  The wrong thing could totally ruin his groove and I don’t want that.

“Mmmmm,” I murmur, buying some time, “Your brother is fucking me so good right now.”

“Yes, yes, yes!” he groans.

“And you’re never going to get to feel it.”

Apparently, the sibling rivalry thing never really goes away, because that did it for him.

Hair or Not?

I’ve been working under the impression that shaved pussies are the desirable thing now.  As such, my alter ego answers all questions to that effect with an emphatic “shaved.”

Although, technically, the way to do that routinely does not appear to be shaving so much as waxing.  Not the point.

I’ve been surprised–pleasantly, I might add–at the number of men that have recently begun to be disappointed by that.

Please, GOD, let that phase be running its course.  I’m just saying, the expectation of that kind of upkeep is kinda a pain in the ass, more or less literally.

So, for your own amusement and edification, I’m sharing with you what a nice man shared with me.  A collection of sites dedicated to the furrier ladies.

http://www.hairydivas.com/

http://www.hairyplaces.com/

http://www.hairyerotica.com/

http://www.hairypussyshots.com/main.html

http://www.furrykittens.com/

I’m not sure, actually, as I review these sites, that I’m willing to go quite that far.  I still support an end to fully shaven pussies, of course, from a purely lazy point of view.

Thoughts?  Shaven or unshaven?

Doggie Style

This was my introduction to the wonderful world of bestiality.

In retrospect, I should have been far more cagey when he asked if that was my dog he heard in the background.  Having never had a bestiality call, I didn’t realize that answering yes to that question would lead to a situation where he would spend 20 minutes fantasizing about fucking my sweet little pup.

*shudder*

I know that people fuck animals, I do.  It doesn’t creep me out when it’s random animals, just when it’s my personal dog, that I’ve had since she was a puppy.

“Would you be jealous?”  he asked repeatedly, “If I wanted to fuck her?”

“I wouldn’t be jealous,” I responded, completely truthfully–there’s no implied competition with a dog, after all–“but I don’t want her to be hurt.  If she seemed like it was hurting her or that she wasn’t enjoying it, then I’d not want you to do it.”

“But if she was into it, then I could fuck her?”

Question: how do you determine that a dog is “into it”?

“Sure, if she was into it, you could fuck her.”

“Every night?”

“Um…sure….if you like.”

“Except when she’s in heat, or is she fixed?”

“She’s fixed,” I reply, slightly more wary this time around.

“Oh, good, you never know.”

Um…ok.  Never know what?  Because my memory of bio classes indicates that no, she’s not getting pregnant from him.  Granted, not everyone has taken biology, but if it was me, I’d do a fast google search before ejaculating in a different species.  That’s just me, though.

I couldn’t take it after a while, I had to ask.  “Have you fucked dogs before?”

“Not dogs,” he says, almost abashed.  “But sheep, I’ve fucked sheep.”

“And what’s that like, what makes it better than pussy?”

I’m genuinely interested, it’s not that common to fuck animals and I’m wondering what the appeal is.

“They are MUCH tighter than a pussy,” he says, as if that explains it all.

Oh.  Well, then.  Carry on.