A new use for your baby monitor

“Do people jack off listening to you?” he demanded, which seemed like an odd question to ask a phone sex operator.

“All the time,” I assured him.

Most calls are very similar, very basic.  Men almost without fail want to hear me describe sucking their cocks, fucking them, and then taking them in the ass.  This blog will be about the men that don’t fall into that category.  Stayed tuned for the stories of men who masturbate in odd ways or with odd things, for men with exotic tastes of every variety, and for the just plain unexpected and odd.

Like that man, who seemed to miss the point of calling me.

His wife had been wanting to fuck another man for some time, so for her birthday he decided to let her.

(We need to set sub-categories, clearly.  This would go under “WTF kind of present is that?!”)

She picked a man from her office, a slender unassuming man.  One of her girlfriends had assured her repeatedly that the man in question had a large cock, an exceptionally large cock.  She brought him home and took him to the basement while he took the children to his parent’s house.

Unbeknownst to her, he had hidden the baby monitor in the basement so he could listen in.

He called me, as far as I can tell, as soon as he got home.  He was all anxious because he couldn’t hear anything except quiet talking.  I said, did they fuck already?  And he said, I DON’T KNOW, I was taking the kids to my parents.

(Sidenote: plan ahead, people.  If you’re going to have your wife fuck a stranger and listen to it without her knowledge, remove the children before she brings her lover home.  C’mon.  It’s not rocket science.)

I’m watching my timer tick away–because I’m tracking how long I talk to him, for my own records–and we’re both, as far as I can tell, listening to dead air on the monitor.  He’s muttering, “fuck fuck fuck fuck” like a mantra.  Suddenly we both hear her moan.  And he says, “Oh, oh my God.”  We listen some more and more interesting than the moaning–which, let’s face it, can be found readily enough in any porn site on the internet–is his commentary.

“I’m glad I don’t have to see him too much around the office.”

“I should have set up for video.  FUCK.”

“Fuck, I can’t hear.  FUCK.”

“Oh, she’s sucking him now, I just heard him say that.”

And the puzzler of the bunch:

“I have a big cock.  He better be bigger than me if he’s fucking my wife.”

I can’t help but think this is back asswards.  I thought all men were inherently insecure about the size of their penis.*  If it were me, I’d want the man fucking my wife to have a SMALLER penis than me, not the other way around.

He listened to them for a while and then abruptly hung up. Most of the callers do hang up abruptly, actually.  They do their thing, orgasm, and just hang up.  In this case, though, I wonder if he had just realized that listening to me listen to him listen to his wife wasn’t worth a per-minute fee.

*Note: there was a period of great debate on the proper multiple of “penis.”  For your own personal reference, we have decided that either “penii” or “penises” would be acceptable.  I prefer “penii.”