Archive for the Masturbation Category

Adventures in Masturbation, Part 4

Posted in Masturbation with tags , , , , , , on January 27, 2010 by sexwars

Here’s the thing: men aren’t attractive naked.

I KNOW, Brad Pitt, etc., etc., and hey, I’m pretty fond of the boyfriend naked, too.  But empirically speaking, a naked man is not as attractive as a naked woman.  How many pictures of naked men vs. naked women do you see online?  Exactly.

So…although I know there are exceptions and people like all kinds of things, by and large, women don’t so much care to watch men, especially by themselves.

Which makes my little friend who makes videos of himself masturbating as gifts for women a little…what’s the word?  Unusual?  Odd?  Deluded?  Lucky to have found a subset of the female population that genuinely wants to watch him beat his meat?

He tells me how his girlfriends have asked him for specific things.

“This one, we’re listening to now,”–oh yes, we listen to the audio of his videos during his calls.  Wheels within wheels and all that sort of thing–“this woman wanted to see my asshole while I masturbated.”

“This other one,  that we’ll listen to next, she wanted to watch me fuck my ass with a vibrator while masturbating.”

I’m pondering the physical logistics of that.  I am.  And I say, “Isn’t that difficult?”

And he responds, “I have a studio, what you want to do is get an adjustable microphone stand and attach the vibrator to that, and then you can ease yourself down onto it, and adjust the height to where you need it to be, and then fuck yourself and have your hands free for your cock.”

OBVIOUSLY.

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Adventures in Masturbation, Part 3

Posted in Masturbation with tags , , on January 15, 2010 by sexwars

Note: So sorry this wasn’t up at the usual time.  Apparently I’m an idiot.  Movin’ on.

This is the very, very gross masturbation post that I have warned you about.  If you can’t handle grossness, walk away now.  You have been warned.

Men use many things to masturbate, of course.

Their hands, girls’ underwear, oils, lotions…all perfectly normal.

This one, not so much.

“I love to masturbate,” he says, as if he’s the only one in the world that has discovered it.

“Mmmm…really?”  I murmur, “tell me how you do it.”

“Lots of ways,” he says, “I don’t know if I should even tell you.”

Men say that to me a lot, and I always encourage them to tell me, because generally it’s not as bad as they think and besides, that’s what they’re paying me for.

“No, really, tell me,” I urge, “I really want to know.”

“I like to touch myself,” he says, “coat my cock in oil, like cooking oil, you know?”

Well, ok.  I would have invested in actual body oil myself, but whatever.

“Mmmm…and what else do you do?” I ask.

“I really love–do you like golden showers?”

Red flags go up.  Danger, danger, wackiness approaching from the east.

“Oh yeah,” I say, “I love that.”  But the thing is, I’m thinking true golden showers have no real application to masturbation, so I know this is not the end of this revelation.

“Well…I like golden showers, and I like shit.  So sometimes, I’ll take my shit, rub it all over my dick and use that to masturbate.”

Clearly, this is time for my default response.

“That’s so hot,” I say, “you cover the entire thing in shit?”

“Oh yeah, it’s so awesome, I just smear it all over and it’s warm and a little sticky and I come all over it.  It’s amazing.”

Yeah.  I know.  I could not make these things up if I tried.

Adventures in Masturbation, Part 2

Posted in Masturbation with tags on January 12, 2010 by sexwars

This will be a shortish one, and my apologies in advance.  The story just isn’t that long, but it still left me speechless.

We’ve discussed, of course, the way some men love to taste their own come.

But the thing is, there are limits to how many ways you can do that.  Physiologically, there aren’t that many options, if you’re a man and you’re working alone.

Never, ever again shall I underestimate the ingenuity born of desire and lonliness.

“I masturbate all the time,” he tells me, “I love the taste of my own come.”

Yeah, I know.  We’ve done this before.  Same story, different man.

“How do you taste it?”  I ask, beginning my litany of previously heard options.  “Do you just come into your hand, or do you have something else you like to shoot into?”

“No, no, I come directly in my own mouth,” he says.

Bullshit, I think.  Total BS.  I’ve seen men naked, I have a working concept of gravity and that’s not really feasible.

“How?” I ask, trying to sound breathless and interested instead of skeptical.

“I lie against the wall, with my feet and ass against the wall and my head on the floor and shoot the come straight into my own mouth.”

I ponder this in silence for a minute, because that was so unexpected.

“Hello?” he says.

“I’m here,” I respond, “I’m just amazed.  That works?”

“Yeah, it works great, that’s how I do it almost every time I jack off.”

I can’t help but think there should be an awards ceremony somewhere for this kind of thing.  “The award for most creative way to drink your own come goes to….John Doe, for his innovative use of a wall!”

All I need is a dildo mounted on a statue base and some form of celebrity presenter and we’re there.