Adventures in Masturbation, Part 3

Note: So sorry this wasn’t up at the usual time.  Apparently I’m an idiot.  Movin’ on.

This is the very, very gross masturbation post that I have warned you about.  If you can’t handle grossness, walk away now.  You have been warned.

Men use many things to masturbate, of course.

Their hands, girls’ underwear, oils, lotions…all perfectly normal.

This one, not so much.

“I love to masturbate,” he says, as if he’s the only one in the world that has discovered it.

“Mmmm…really?”  I murmur, “tell me how you do it.”

“Lots of ways,” he says, “I don’t know if I should even tell you.”

Men say that to me a lot, and I always encourage them to tell me, because generally it’s not as bad as they think and besides, that’s what they’re paying me for.

“No, really, tell me,” I urge, “I really want to know.”

“I like to touch myself,” he says, “coat my cock in oil, like cooking oil, you know?”

Well, ok.  I would have invested in actual body oil myself, but whatever.

“Mmmm…and what else do you do?” I ask.

“I really love–do you like golden showers?”

Red flags go up.  Danger, danger, wackiness approaching from the east.

“Oh yeah,” I say, “I love that.”  But the thing is, I’m thinking true golden showers have no real application to masturbation, so I know this is not the end of this revelation.

“Well…I like golden showers, and I like shit.  So sometimes, I’ll take my shit, rub it all over my dick and use that to masturbate.”

Clearly, this is time for my default response.

“That’s so hot,” I say, “you cover the entire thing in shit?”

“Oh yeah, it’s so awesome, I just smear it all over and it’s warm and a little sticky and I come all over it.  It’s amazing.”

Yeah.  I know.  I could not make these things up if I tried.


One Response to “Adventures in Masturbation, Part 3”

  1. Um, perhaps he’s gay?

    I’ve just written a post about masturbation in

    I’d be grateful for comments, kind or otherwise.

    –Guy Sez

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